The baby that made me a Mum!
I became a Mum on 11th January 2017 and my life as I knew it changed forever. I conceived easily and managed pregnancy very well; there were times I had to be reminded I was carrying a baby and to slow down!
All was well right up until I was 36 weeks pregnant and the day before Christmas eve, a consultant told me the fluid was reduced around my baby. She assured me not to worry or ‘google’ but of course that is exactly what I did! I had to understand what this could mean for the baby and for my pending birth.
In hindsight, I should have asked for a second opinion to calm my rising anxiety as when attending subsequent appointments I struggled to articulate what I wanted to say. I really needed someone to notice I was panicking and to lay out what could happen over the coming days and weeks until I birthed my baby.
I felt I was losing control and I struggled to pull myself back into a positive head space. My vision (or presumption I should say!) of an active spontaneous labour and vaginal birth was slowly slipping away. I knew I was headed for an early induction and was aware of the increased likelihood of a caesarean birth. It didn’t help to learn that the rate of c-sections in my trust was very high too.
Over the course of two weeks, I was monitored and had a sweep even though I thought my cervix was just being assessed. I quietly got upset at this stage and decided it was best to surrender to how everything was beginning to unfold. I was given an induction date for a few days later…
I didn’t ‘progress’ at all with the pessary or drip and due to foetal distress, I was brought to theatre for an emergency section. It was such a surreal experience. I remember feeling very calm (the hypnobirthing technics maybe kicked in here!) and knew deep down that all would be well and we would meet our baby very soon.
The staff were amazing throughout and I remember asking the anaesthetist to keep me informed about everything at each stage. She was great! A student midwife made me feel very comfortable too - words do matter!! I bet she is excelling in her role now!
Ada was born at 6.51pm. I was so glad to see her but honestly, I didn’t feel that rush of ‘love’ that people talk about or protrayed in the movies! I don’t really remember much skin to skin time and when she was taken to be checked, it felt like a very long time. I had convinced myself something was wrong and repeatedly told Paul to go get her! It must have been the shock of it all but I soon calmed down.
The first night with her felt amazing but equally frightening. I had to rely on the midwives to pass her to me to feed her as the feeling had not yet returned in my legs. I honestly hated that lack of independence and the sight of the catheter really bothered me. However, I was so thankful my Mums friend was working that night. She sat with me and helped with the breastfeeding latch. I remember watching her hold Ada with ease and wondering whether I would be able to do it too. I realised in that moment I had a lot of learning to do! I could continue to be afraid or choose to be brave.
I am so glad I chose to be brave even when it felt very hard in those early days, weeks and months of her life. There were some tough hurdles to overcome in the fourth trimester but I did it!
I can now look fondly and speak kind words to that girl in the photo. I wish I could hug her and tell her what she experienced will not only encourage her to grow and be better but will help other women on similar paths too.
I would not change a single bit of my birth experience; I am thankful for everyone and everything that played out. It has shaped me as a woman and my approach within my profession. If sharing this helps even one woman advocate for herself within her pregnancy, as she approaches birth and beyond, I will be very happy.
If you feel you would like to discuss anything with me, please don’t hesitate to reach out!
Thank you for reading my story. Stay tuned for further blogs on The Fourth Trimester and my second birth story; my journey to VBAC.
Laura x
